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Home  >  Topics  >  Bizarre Beat

January 04, 2012
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Marty Katz Past the Uniform
with Marty Katz

P1 Humor Corner: Police 'customer service' improvement survey

In order to provide you, the customer, with the best possible service, we ask that you take a few minutes to complete this survey about your most recent transaction.

1.) During your arrest, were you advised of your rights in a timely manner?

___ Yes
___ No
___ What rights?

2.) If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force?

___ Too much
___ Not enough
___ Just right

3.) If an arrest warrant was used for your arrest, what type was it?

___ Consensual
___ Court ordered
___ Police ordered

4.) When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use?

___ Too tight
___ Not tight enough
___ Too loose
___ Not loose enough
___ Just right

5.) For what crime were you arrested?

___ Homicide
___ Rape
___ Robbery
___ DUI
___ Public Stupidity
___ Public Mopery with Intent to Gawk
___ Other

6.) During your arrest, was the officer’s commentary directed at you politically correct?

___ Yes
___ No

7.) During your ride to jail, how many times did the officer’s driving habits cause your face to impact with the silent partner?

___ Once
___ Twice
___ Three times
___ I can’t remember

8.) Once you arrived at our jail, how were you removed from the vehicle?

___ Through the car door
___ Through the trunk
___ From the trunk
___ Through the wing window
___ Off the bumper

9.) Have you taken advantage of our department’s free attitude adjustment program?’

___ Yes
___ No
___ Not yet

10.) How would you rate the food at our jail in comparison with food at other jails you have visited?

___ Excellent
___ Good
___ Fair
___ Poor
___ Bad
___ What food?

11.) Would you recommend being arrested by our department to your fellow felons?

___ Yes
___ No
___ You gotta be kidding

12.) Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were arrested for?

___ Yes
___ No

13.) Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were not arrested for?

___ Yes
___ No

14.) Our department is offering a Time Saver Program whereby you can sign all forms ahead of time, and we will fill in the blanks later. Would you be interested in such a program?

___ Yes
___ No
___ Does X count as a signature?

Thank you for your participation!


About the author

Marty Katz is a retired sergeant with the Broward Sheriff’s Office in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. During his 34-year career, his assignments included field training officer, SWAT team member, undercover narcotics detective, academy instructor street crime suppression unit and supervisor of Recruitment, Criminal investigations and Patrol. Marty is a Florida Department of Law Enforcement certified instructor (Firearms, Defensive Tactics, Driving, First Responder, Ethics and Human Diversity), Expert Witness for Use of Force issues, a member of ILEETA, and past Florida Chapter Director for the International Association of Ethics Trainers In addition, Marty has trained in Japan with the Tokyo Metropolitan Riot Police and is a martial arts instructor.

Marty is owner and chief instructor of Crimewave Solutions, a training company for officer survival and common sense self defense. His first book, Past the Uniform, was published in 2008.

Contact Marty Katz





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