P1 Humor Corner: Officer Murphy's Laws


Editor’s Note:

Editor’s Note: This list — or some variant of it — has been submitted to PoliceOne by several of our members. We’ve compiled as many as we could find from all those lists and present it here for your enjoyment. Of course, we encourage you to add your own Officer Murphy’s Laws in the comments field below. Stay safe.

Anything that can go wrong, typically will, and usually at the worst possible moment. For example...

If you’ve cleared the entire house and encountered no resistance (you have nto been shot at or cursed at by its occupants), you’ve probably hit the wrong bleeping house.

The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it!

Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.

Hot calls will only come from dispatch 10 minutes before the end of your shift.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall... and the harder they punch, kick, and choke.

You will invariably be instructed to search dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boom-Boom.”

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within five minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.

To err is human... to forgive is against department policy.

You will find a “police discount” one day before payday.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

No patrol car assigned to you will be clean, nor will it have a full tank of gas.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until quals.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the Sheriff.

You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.

Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.

Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.

NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.

You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.

The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.

Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.

In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.

Do unto others, but do it first.

There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.

You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.

No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another person's idea...usually the Chief's.

There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you and miss.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on the 6 o'clock news.

Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, and others who consider themselves immortal.

When a civilian sees a blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the you need to use.

You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your backup, the more there will be.

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, civilian complaints, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

About the author

Doug Wyllie is Editor in Chief of PoliceOne, responsible for setting the editorial direction of the website and managing the planned editorial features by our roster of expert writers. An award-winning columnist — he is the 2014 Western Publishing Association "Maggie Award" winner in the category of Best Regularly Featured Digital Edition Column — Doug has authored more than 800 feature articles and tactical tips on a wide range of topics and trends that affect the law enforcement community. Doug is a member of International Law Enforcement Educators and Trainers Association (ILEETA), an Associate Member of the California Peace Officers' Association (CPOA), and a member of the Public Safety Writers Association (PSWA). Even in his "spare" time, he is active in his support for the law enforcement community, contributing his time and talents toward police-related charitable events as well as participating in force-on-force training, search-and-rescue training, and other scenario-based training designed to prepare cops for the fight they face every day on the street.

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