P1 Humor Corner: Police grants for celebrity busts
Typical police grants require mission statements, strategic plans, and project benefit analysis — not so with NCPGP
Coming into contact with a celebrity can mean extra funds for your police department. Recently, the Criminal Justice Advisory Board responsible for the National Celebrity Police Grant Program NCPGP announced more than $250 million dollars in grant money from an anonymous donor will be immediately available to all law enforcement agencies across the United States arresting one or more celebrities for a criminal offense. Typical police grants require mission statements, strategic plans, and project benefit analysis — not so with NCPGP. In fact, if an agency submits any of that budgetary vernacular, it will immediately be shredded, put in an envelope, and mailed back with a rejection letter.
Because celebrity status is subjective, the National Celebrity Police Grant Program and its advisory board have the final say in the amount of grant monies to be awarded to a law enforcement agency. The amount of grant money depends on the celebrity status of the person arrested and what offense was committed.
Who, Exactly, is a Celebrity?
Examples of celebrities that would result in grant money if arrested by your law enforcement agency are movie stars, TV actors, successful professional athletes, television reporters, radio personalities, chart topping musicians, artists, authors, journalists, high ranking politicians i.e. mayors, city mangers, city council members, TV gospel evangelists, and local socialites, and all defense lawyers.
Alleged stars of “Reality TV” shows Survivor, Jersey Shore have become famous not for doing but for merely being. Their celebrity status will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. All applications for grant money from arrests of reality show celebrities will be considered.
The amount of grant money is directly proportionate to who the celebrity is and what level of criminal offense was alleged to have been committed. Certain celebrity types are score much higher than others — and net more cash for the arresting agency — as do certain violations.
So, by way of example, if an NFL Quarterback is arrested for prostitution, your agency could be awarded grant money up to $45,000. If an actor on a TV sitcom is arrested for child pornography your agency could be awarded up to $65,000. Just submit the required paperwork. Not a bad day’s work!
KISS Me, You Fool!
There will be a $1 million dollar cap for each police department ending December 31st, 2012. Smaller police agencies — 25 employees or less in towns of 20,000 people or less— may include as celebrities teachers, coaches, deacons, high school and college athletes, cheerleaders, local Kiwanis President, local golf pro, anybody who has their face on a billboard, dancers at the local strip club, owners of car dealerships and the local Dairy Queen as part of the celebrities that live in their jurisdiction.
Other acceptable uses for NCPGP monies are an annual police picnic, a catered awards banquet, reserve police officers (and their training program), police explorer program, training camp and competitions for police explorers programs, patrol officers’ week-long in-service training school of their choice anywhere in the United States, and entrance fees to police softball tournaments and associated hotel fees.
“We don’t want to know what you are going to spend the money on,” said one document released by NCPGP’s PIO. “We just want to give you the money.”
No Due Diligence Required
Everyday the media informs us about a different celebrity in the news involved in some sort of tantrum, assault, or possession of an illegal substance. They inconvenience the public with their entourages and rude body guards, with egos the size of Dallas, and claim their fame is equal to royalty. Yes, celebrities retain the best attorneys, get preferential treatment from the restaurant maitre d' and more times than not, they beat the rap. Good news is, they don’t beat the ride. Who cares, right? It’s all about the grant money.
You did your job, now grant money will allow your agency to put a big screen TV in your squad room! Your agency could now purchase that new air conditioned indoor pistol range or a license plate recognition camera system. Maybe you’re police department needs a satellite-based surveillance tracking system or new digital fingerprinting equipment or the new Pasquini Expresso Machine!
Celebrity arrests and the National Celebrity Police Grant Program will make sure your police agency has all the funding you need.
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