08/06/2013

Max 'Extra Scoop' SmithwordSpoof News
with Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword

Leaked memo: Mayor opposes the term 'law enforcement'

Mayor Phil Pipe says the 'Use of Force' section of the department’s Policy and Procedures manual, will be rewritten and/or replaced with a new section to be called 'Use of Flattery'

By Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword
SpoofOne News Staff

GREENLEAF, Colo. — In the bucolic town of Greenleaf, the joke “that stop sign was just a suggestion” is actually police department policy. Well, almost.

Police officers in the town have been ordered — by way of a memo from Mayor Philip Myer Pipe — to “cease and desist using the terms ‘law enforcement’ and ‘force’ in written and verbal communication both on and off duty.” 

In the memo to Greenleaf Police Chief Steven Stern, Mayor Pipe wrote, “The citizens have spoken, and they want civil servants to serve in a civil fashion. Using such harsh words as ‘force’ and ‘enforce’ conjures up nothing but images of jackbooted thugs.”

Last November Mayor Pipe won a landslide election on the same ballot as the controversial marijuana legalization initiative that also got voter approval.

Mayor Pipe suggested that employees of the police department now be called “law enrichment helpers” and that all traffic stops and other citizen-helper interactions begin with the police personnel saying “I’m really sorry to trouble you, but...”

The agency’s Policy and Procedures manual, which now has an entire section devoted to what had been known as “Use of Force (UOF)” has to be rewritten, Pipe said. Mayor Pipe has recommended that the section now be called “Use of Flattery (UOF).”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Mayor Pipe said at an afternoon news conference called after word of the memo became public earlier today.

Chief Stern could not be reached for comment at press time. An officer who answered the department’s main telephone number said only that “The Chief… uh, everyone here… uh he is working on his resume.”

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