P1 Humor Corner: Top 10 gifts for bad kids


When I hear Andy Williams’ 1963 hit Christmas song ‘It’s the most wonderful time of the year,’ my first thought is, “Really?”

Maybe if you’re a Hermit! Between Thanksgiving and New Years, it’s the busiest time of the year — family gatherings, parties, shopping for presents and going to the grocery store. And then you still have work and overtime, and trying to find time to get this thing called sleep.

The song definitely needs a rewrite. If the world doesn’t end on December 21st like the Mayan calendar predicts, then somebody in Nashville needs to update that song. My prediction... it would be a big hit!

Time-and-a-Half
Let’s start by rewriting the title. How about ‘It’s the most challenging time of the year’ instead?  Santa’s elves think they got it rough?! All police officers should get time-and-a-half for every hour they work during the month of December.

December should be called National Crime Month because domestic violence, DWIs, robbery and burglary reports go through the roof! And who do we blame — the idiot who thought to start putting Christmas decorations up the day after Halloween. Let’s find this twit!

Pretty soon Black Friday will be the first Friday in July...

The Kids
Those of you that have schoolchildren are even under more duress. I feel sorry for you. Unless you know how to use the word “no,” then your December is going to be a long month. But saying “no” to children can be fun and after a while it only gets easier.

Smartphones and iPads at the dinner table?

“No.”

Extended curfews?

“No!”

See how easy that was?!

When you’re tired of saying “no” then say “go” — as in, go make a homemade gift or go spend time with Grandma (Grandpa too, if he’s still alive).

Christmas is a time for parents to steer their kids toward activities they don’t normally do during the year. Activities like feeding the homeless, walking a shelter dog, playing a board game or handwriting a thank you note!

Bad Kids
If by chance you have bad kids or bad grandkids, buying Christmas presents is easy. What on earth do you get a bad kid for Christmas?

Books.

Here is a shortlist of books to give any child who is probably going to end up working at an amusement park after they fail their GED:

1.) The Little Sissy who Snitched
2.) The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking
3.) Strangers Have the Best Candy
4.) Your Nightmares are Real
5.) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
6.) Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet can be Friends
7.) Pop! Goes the Hamster (And Other Great Microwave Games)
8.) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
9.) Where Would you Like to be Buried?
10.) Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: Handy Tools When You Get into a Fight

Hoping everybody has a wonderful and safe Holiday and a Happy New Year!

Be safe and remember to take the time to laugh.

About the author

Mike Peterson is a retired 23-year veteran of law enforcement. He served three years in the United States Military Police and then 20 years with the City of West University Place Police Department in Houston, Texas. Mike held a Master Peace Officer certification and was a Certified Instructor, Advanced Field Training Officer, Crime Prevention Inspector, and background investigator. He was certified in bicycle patrol, officer survival tactics, first line supervision, and City Manager Leadership Training. Mike is a graduate of Leadership Houston, Class XIV, Texas Law Enforcement Torch Run Top Fundraiser and Inductee into the Texas Special Olympics Hall of Fame (1996), three time Texas Torch Run representative for International Special Olympics torch run ‘Final Legs’ in Minnesota (1991), Austria (1993) and Connecticut (1995). Mike has received numerous Senate and House of Representative Resolutions and Proclamations for his fundraising with the Law Enforcement Torch Run as Texas’ Top Fundraiser.

Mike has appeared on ABC-TV’s ‘The View’, was a past finalist on Ed McMahon’s ‘Next Big Star’ contest and was a finalist in Houston Funniest Comedian contest. Mike has opened for such luminaries as Jay Leno, Robert Schimmel, Dave Attell, Richard Lewis, Kathleen Madigan, Jeff Dunham, Frank Caliendo, Michael Winslow, Anjelah Johnson, Ralphy May, and Alonzo Bodden to name a few. Mike has appeared numerous times on Houston’s local CBS ‘Great Day Houston’ and opened for four-Time Grammy Award Winner Glen Campbell as well as performing at police luncheons and banquets. Mike has also had the honor of performing for our Troops over in Iraq. You can see more of Mike on www.myspace.com/comedycop or www.rooftopcomedy.com.

Contact Mike Peterson.
 

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