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Home  >  Topics  >  Police Humor

August 06, 2013
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Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword Spoof News
with Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword

Top 10 signs you need a new partner

You know it's time to get a new partner when he/she continually tells 'Chuck Norris' jokes and substitutes in his/her own name...

By Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword
SpoofOne News Staff

You ever get sent out to an out-of-state training event with your patrol partner involving air travel to and from the destination? Did the airline make your partner purchase two seats for the flight? Did your partner’s spouse call your hotel room every morning to “verify” that your partner was out on a ridealong every night? When you were having breakfast before the last day of instruction, did your partner being the conversation with, “You know, the ACLU has a really good point on...”

If any (or all) of the above has happened to you, you probably know it’s time to get a new patrol partner.

You know it’s time to get a new partner when…

10.)   He/she eats venison chili with red peppers and jalapenos each night he/she with you on the schedule.

9.)    He/she refuses to clean their firearm after quals, saying, “It’s just going to get dirty again.”

8.)    The Internal Affairs Unit has him/her programmed into their speed dial.

7.)    You arrive at a scene where a large, naked man is speaking Klingon while he is pulling up parking meters like they were daises and your partner says, “You talk to the suspect and I will go inside the Starbucks and get us a couple of coffees. Cream and sugar?”

6.)    After every foot pursuit you have to retrace your steps to find your partner.

5.)    When he/she keeps saying 'I'm too old for this $h!t" every time dispatch calls.

4.)    He/she says their favorite movie cop is Detective Alonzo Harris in “Training Day” (and they’re not kidding).

3.)    He/she says their law enforcement role model is J.D. “Buck” Savage (and they’re not kidding).

2.)    You want to go back to K-9 patrol because your four-legged partner bathed more regularly and had better-smelling breath.

1.)    When you mention retirement he/she says, “Retirement isn’t for me. I’m planning on going out in a blaze of glory.”


About the author

Don't believe everything you read. In fact, everything you read here is fake, false, or fictional (and/or all of the above). In Spoof News, the PoliceOne editorial team takes a satirical look at some of the real-life stories we sometimes see. We’re proving that the phrase “You can’t make this stuff up” is actually quite incorrect. We can make this stuff up, and we hope you get a good laugh from the effort. Want to join in the fun? Email us your ‘fake news’ to editor@policeone.com.





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