By Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword
SpoofOne News Staff
MAYHEM, Calif. — If you want to be successful as a Mayhem County sheriff’s deputy, you need to “rock” on the department’s Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube accounts.
Upon taking office this January, Sheriff Timothy Little has put his deputies on notice: Get noticed on social media or face disciplinary review.
“In order to be considered for promotion, individuals must successfully post at least three consecutive Facebook status updates and/or photographs that surpass 1,500 likes and 500 comments, get at least 10,000 re-tweets on Twitter,” said an agency memorandum.
Deputy Harriet Pitts was placed on administrative leave after her Facebook status update “Feeling pretty awesome about this strawberry ice cream cone” received zero likes.
Deputy Noco Jones was fired outright when it was discovered that he was ghostwriting a regular blog for ManlyKitty.com, a website for men who prefer cats as pets.
Conversely, a TwitPic of off-duty deputy Sandy Rhodes — with the caption “#drunk as [redacted] on #rum with tiny #umbrellas. who want’s to hold my #yellowbikini” — was retweeted 49,689 times in just four hours. Deputy Rhodes was promoted to Sergeant the following Monday.
Lieutenant Frank Lee was promoted to Captain immediately after he posted a photograph of a freshman student from Mayhem Community College on the hood of his squad car in early January.
The young woman in the picture — Amanda Huggenkis — is now a dispatcher for the agency. She and Captain Lee are expecting their first child in early October.
The New Face(book) of Policing
Sheriff Timothy Little — at age 23, the youngest elected law enforcement officer in the state of California — defeated five-term Sheriff Chet Codger by campaigning almost solely via Twitter and Facebook.
While Sheriff Codger tirelessly visited every community center and eatery in the county, Sheriff Little made just one scheduled public appearance during the entire election season.
Even his one in-person appearance was an Internet sensation. Video of Little being launched 25 yards into a vat mud was posted to YouTube during the 7th Annual Mayhem County Homebuilt Catapult Competition in September.
The ‘Flying Pig’ YouTube channel remains one of the site’s most viewed.
Little posted a “selfie” in front of the five-alarm fire that erupted at Brick’s Fireworks and Candle Factory in mid-October.
The investigation into the cause of that fire continues.
“When it comes to interacting with cybercitizens, we will be known as the most cutting edge department in the land,” Little explained.
“We’re actively looking for ‘the next Jessie Lunderby’,” Little said. “In fact, I’m looking for the actual Jessie Lunderby. Have I got a job for her.”