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April 01, 2014
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Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword Spoof News
with Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword

Crisis unfolds as local officers' lunch plans remain unknown

Captain Chaz Burger said in classified memorandum obtained by the Straight Shooter that day shift has not yet come to a conclusive decision "on whether or not we’ll 10-7 at the sandwich place on Main or the Chinese place."

The Straight Shooter has obtained a classified memorandum from the local police department indicating that a major crisis is unfolding at the agency: nobody can decide where to eat lunch today.

The memo, sent out by Captain Chaz Burger, said, “The ongoing radio traffic between the five squad cars out on day shift has not yet led to a conclusive decision on whether or not we’ll 10-7 at the sandwich place on Main or the Chinese place over by the Winn Dixie. This situation is unacceptable and must be remediated forthwith.” 

Captain Burger’s memo highlights just how difficult it is for officers on day shift to agree on what to eat.

A local officer — who declined to be identified because he’s not authorized to speak with the media — said that he’s frustrated with what he calls “a constant failure by our shift to come to conclusions about lunch. This seems to happen every day. We’re a great team, and we back each other up. We love each other like brothers, but like brothers, we can’t ever seem to agree on what’s for lunch.”

Captain Burger’s memo stated further that all officers are reminded that agency policy prevents the consumption of Mexican food while on duty. That policy was instituted at the request of Lieutenant Aaron Buttz, who serves as the department’s motor-pool maintenance commander, and agency quartermaster in charge of vehicle seat upkeep. 

Lieutenant Buttz had that policy put in place after having to get new front seats for all five cars in the small agency’s fleet.

Buttz explained, “Our guys were wearing out the vinyl on the seats. I couldn’t figure it out. Then one of the guys told me how much he loved the fajita burritos down at Lupe’s Taco Hut over on Eighth Ave. I went and ate one, and sure enough, there was the entire day shift, eating those burritos. That’s when the light bulb went on for me.”


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