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April 01, 2014
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Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword Spoof News
with Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword

ACLU defending officer suspended for 'not shutting up about Crossfit'

Officer Pat Meyback has been placed on one week of paid administrative leave for ‘Not shutting up about Crossfit,’ according to an internal agency document obtained by the Straight Shooter

Pat Meyback is commonly considered the fastest and strongest officer working the streets of Pleasantburg. He’s now going to have to work on becoming one of the quietest.

Officer Meyback has been placed on one week of paid administrative leave for ‘Not shutting up about Crossfit,’ according to an internal agency document obtained by the Straight Shooter. 

Complaints about Pat Meyback’s vocalization about his exercise routine have been stacking up, according to the department document. Of the 25 sworn and ten non-sworn personnel working Pleasantburg PD, only two have not filed complaints about Meyback’s “constant conversation about Crossfit.” 

“There’s no doubt that Officer Meyback can outswim, outrun, and out-cycle every cop on this department, but there’s also no doubt that he can’t shut the hell up about it,” growled Chief Chuck Stern. 

Officer Meyback’s disciplinary action has raised the attention of the ACLU. 

“This is clearly a First Amendment violation,” said ACLU attorney I.M. Vulger, who practically swooned when she spoke about Meyback. 

“Pat Meyback is an exemplary office — I mean, look at the guy, he’s just dreamy. You see those arms? Those buns? How could anyone with that muscle tone not talk about their amazing muscle tone? To limit his speech like this is uncalled for and unconstitutional.”

Chief Stern doesn’t agree. Stern told the Straight Shooter that Crossfit is only the most recent topic on which Meyback is stuck. 

“A few years back is was rock climbing. Couple years before that, it was all about doing triathlons. Last year it was Bikram Yoga, whatever the hell that is,” Stern said.

No legal action has been taken, but Stern and Vulger appear now to be on a collision course most likely to end up in a courtroom confrontation. We at the Straight Shooter will keep you posted.


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