Several Portly County police officers from the 8th Street precinct are enraged, claiming the neighboring fire department’s untimely fundraising bake-off sabotaged the results of the department-wide weight loss challenge.
Police Chief Rich Simmons insisted the department divide into teams by precinct to slim down in a friendly three-month competition after the department reportedly had to order a dozen duty belt extenders.
“We had one officer on bike patrol actually bend his bike frame,” said Simmons. “And we only switched to bikes because our poor horses were out on injury.”
Monday marked the final weigh-in for each precinct, and the 8th street team, comprised of nine officers, had gained a staggering 41 pounds combined since the start of the competition.
But officers are claiming they were sabotaged, perhaps in an effort to solidify the fire department’s grasp on annual beefcake calendar sales.
The fire department, which sits directly across the road from the 8th precinct, hosted a colossal bake sale during the final three weeks of the weight loss competition. Firefighters claim it was to raise funds for a “new product on the market that they’re dying to get their hands on”. Reports that it was in fact a 3-in-1 foosball, air hockey and pool table could not be confirmed.
Banquet tables along the 8th street sidewalk displayed everything from peanut butter fudge to thick gooey brownies and buttercream cupcakes. To add insult to injury, treats were offered to law enforcement at a 70 percent discount.
“It didn’t feel right to charge our brothers in blue full price for our sweets,” said Ari Herman, a Portly County firefighter. “They put their lives on the line for us every day, and we think they look great even if they’re carrying a little ‘something extra’.”
The winners of the weight-loss contest were awarded heart rate monitors after having lost an astounding 450 pounds. The sculpted crew wouldn’t reveal their secrets, though an anonymous source said they were the only department affected by layoffs during the challenge.