Surprising new ECD study ordered

Each research subject will be given a quarter ounce of high-quality methamphetamine before being given as many 20-second exposures as it takes until the subject loses consciousness


Editor’s Note:

Editor's Note: Before you go writing any angry emails, please note the date of publication - April 1, 2012. Now, enjoy a chortle or a chuckle courtesy of the PoliceOne Editorial Team. Read all the stories here.

Members of the special interest group from Post Hoc, California called “ECDs are Deadly” are claiming a victory today in their quest to prove ECDs are deadly force.  The group’s spokesperson, Ergo Propter-Hoc, has told media sources that his group plans to conduct their own research to this end.  Since “ECDs are Deadly” could get no reputable research group or university to approve or conduct the experiment; they decided to conduct the research on their own.  The special interest group claims that this is just another example of the government conspiracy to “hide the truth about ECDs.”

The group plans to induce an Excited Delirium state in subjects and then expose them to electrical current.  In order to induce the Excited Delirium state in the subjects, the research methodology will include:

1.) Identify at least thirty (30) volunteer long term stimulant abusers.
2.) The subjects will all be morbidly obese with a history of cardiac problems (Note: They do not want to include pregnant females in this initial group because of the health risk).
3.) Give each subject a quarter ounce of high-quality methamphetamine to smoke as much as they can within an hour.
4.) Each subject will then run on a treadmill for at least 15 minutes at 10 mph with a 10 degree incline, or however long it takes until the subject’s pH level drops to a critical and lethal level.
5.) Each research subject will be given as many 20-second exposures as it takes until the subject loses consciousness.

Their hope is to be able to prove that the electrical current of an ECW can cause death in this type of subject.  The group states that they are aware of the dangerousness of this research and that some of the subjects may die during the testing.  Their hope is to be able to scientifically prove that the electrical current will certainly cause death in a statistically significant number of subjects. 

“We are willing to take the chance that a few of these brave volunteers will die for the purpose of supporting our cause,” said Propter-Hoc.

He continued, “If someone dies during the research, the only rational conclusion we could come up with would be that the ECD killed the subject.  Why would we examine the other factors and variables…we’re trying to prove our point that will further our own agenda.”

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Don't believe everything you read. In fact, everything you read here is fake, false, or fictional (and/or all of the above). In Spoof News, the PoliceOne editorial team takes a satirical look at some of the real-life stories we sometimes see. We’re proving that the phrase “You can’t make this stuff up” is actually quite incorrect. We can make this stuff up, and we hope you get a good laugh from the effort. Want to join in the fun? Email us your ‘fake news’ to editor@policeone.com.

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