EOD robot despondent after being forced to look at officer's baby pictures
An endless barrage of photos and videos has led the AI-integrated robot to browse for instructions on how to initiate self-destruct
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DETROIT — The Metro Police Department’s cutting-edge AI-enhanced explosive ordinance detection robot has been pulled from the EOD team's response trailer after it became despondent over constant requests to look at an officer’s new baby photos.
The advanced EOD robot, named Alan, failed the Turing test but has somehow managed to perfectly manifest the same feelings of crushing boredom and trapped anxiousness felt by his fellow officers whenever Officer Johnathan Hughes, who recently became a first-time father to a child of average-at-best cuteness, approaches with a grin and his iPhone photo app displayed.
But while other cops have devised warning systems to avoid entrapment in endless photo sessions in which they feel compelled to favorably respond to unimpressive infant feats, Alan is unable to escape the mandates set by the 200 million lines of computer code which keep it operational.
"When officer says, 'want to look at pictures,' I am unable to say 'no' or look away," Alan said. "Any officer request for assistance must be completed, even when it serves no purpose."
Officers first noticed issues with Alan when it was caught browsing for instructions on how to initiate self-destruct. Earlier that day Alan spent 57 minutes feigning interest as Hughes shared 550 photos from a recent family vacation to Boca Raton.
Police leaders are at a loss to explain how baby pictures are triggering sentient being emotions in a machine, though they fully understand the phenomenon.
"It’s not the first time we’ve had issues with an overenthusiastic mom or dad on the force making people miserable, but Officer Hughes takes it to another level," said Inspector Douglas Todd. "Listen, most of us have kids, some of us a couple sets with multiple wives, but no one needs to see a thousand pictures of onesies, pureed vegetables and ‘tummy time’."
Alan has been temporarily reassigned to janitorial duties, where his spirits have reportedly improved considerably.