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Hasbro introduces extremely less lethal line of weapons

Editor’s Note: Before you go writing me or the author of this column any angry emails, please note the date of publication — April 1, 2011. Now, enjoy a chortle or a chuckle courtesy of the PoliceOne Editorial Team. Happy April Fool’s Day!

A new line of weaponry from the Hasbro Corporation gaining rapid acceptance among police administrators and politicians. The first product from is Hasbro (which is not affiliated with Mattel, Glock, or any other maker of plastic toys) is the brightly-colored NerfMillimeter sidearm that launches a rapid fire cluster of soft yellow pellets. Upon seeing the NerfMillimeter, a major metro chief — who is considered as soft as a feather pillow even by the willowy local politicians — was quoted as saying, “the device will save thousands in litigation — much more than enough to offset the increased cost of police funerals and recruiting replacements for officers disabled by suspects.”

The NerfASER is likely to replace the TASER as the non-lethal weapon of choice. The NerfASER produces a mild bump against offenders who are resisting police. While it has not been found effective in reducing assaultive behavior against officers, there have been no reports of injuries or resulting lawsuits by suspects hit with the NerfASER, therefore gaining favor of police watchdog groups.

In chemical defense sprays the PepperNerf is recommended for resistive suspects who are pregnant, members of minority groups, or who have birthdays or weddings on the day they get arrested. The PepperNerf spray can doesn't actually emit any chemical but does make a noise that sounds like “I'm very sorry” in a pre-emptive effort to apologize for any enforcement action taken by the officer.

Testing has begun in San Francisco, Seattle, here in the United States, as well as in every major city in Canada.

Nerf technology for batons is under development for an expandable version that makes a whooshing sound when deployed — this gives suspects plenty of notice that the officer is getting pretty darn serious about the contact. Commentators in the national media are certain that when officers fully deploy only Nerf weapons, the criminal element will stop using real knives and bullets. This will open the market for Nerf body armor.

The ACLU and Amnesty International have filed suit to stop the deployment of Nerf weapons by law enforcement. In a press release they stated, “Neither of our organizations knew exactly why we’re suing, but, well, it's what we do. If the cops are using it, there must be something bad going on.”

Al Sharpton is urging his radio audience to join him in protest and is quoted as saying “There will be no Nerf on our turf. No sponge ahead of the lunge. No neutrality to police brutality. No soft yellow brand aimed at our fellow man. We will stand aloft against airsoft. I am somebody — I will not be a Nerfbody for nobody. Hasbro will be has-been!”

Howey Cheatem of the National Trail Lawyers association stated that the use of Nerf weapons will not affect his members. “Actual injury or wrong is not what we're about. We can still threaten to sue and get big settlements.”

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