P1 Humor Corner: A mailbag full of 'Cookies'
Enjoy a laugh in a secure, safe place, and then get yourself right back into condition yellow when you’re back out on patrol
Since launching the PoliceOne Humor Corner monthly features, I’ve come to befriend a few really funny law enforcers out there who email me snarky quips and video clips. One person with whom I’ve grown a particularly great friendship is Mike “Cookie” Crawford down in Oneonta, Alabama. Cookie and I have become fast friends, despite the fact that we’ve only ever talked via phone and email during the past year or so.
During his career with the Birmingham (Ala.) PD, Cookie was a named “officer of the year” several times and made local headlines for a variety of outstanding pieces of police work. One event, however, made the national news and was “covered” by TV magazine shows all over the place. You may recall it. In 1990, Cookie and his team set up a sting (dubbed ‘Operation Touchdown’) in which they offered free tickets to an Alabama/Auburn football game. In order to be eligible to “win” you had to have outstanding warrants. They arrested more than 300 people in just three hours. Cookie told me recently, “that was probably the single most fun day of my law enforcement career.”
Nowadays, Cookie does some really special stuff with his razor-sharp wit. In addition to his regular “gigs” as a stand-up comedian, Cookie is host (and organizer) for the “Blue Light Comedy Tour.” In sum, it’s an effort to raise money for the families of officers killed in the line of duty.
“I do these for a department when they have an officer killed in the line of duty,” Cookie told me the other day when we spoke via phone. We come in a couple of months afterward and do a performance so the department can give the money we make to the family of the officer, or in the case of the last one I did, the officer was single and the department is using that money to build a memorial for all their slain officers,” Cookie told me.
Cookie was referring to an event he held on October 9, 2011 in honor of Justin Sollohub — EOW 08/25/11 — of the Anniston (Ala.) PD. They’re using the money raised to put a memorial for all their fallen LEOs in the lobby of the police station.
Cookie is careful — and respectful about these shows. As an avowed “LEO-for-life” he knows the sensitivity, particularly when an officer who was killed has children left behind. He tells me that he lets the family and the PD set the timing. He is also careful to bring in comedians who for the most part have law enforcement connections, and who do “clean” comedy.
“I always like to wait a few months — wait for a time when they are ready to do something. There’s a fine line because you don’t want to wait too long. We remember — we officers remember — but John Q. Public tends to forget really fast, and it’s those folks you want to come out to raise money and give their support.”
If you’re interested in connecting with Cookie, I encourage you to click on over to his website. He’s a good man. When we spoke on Monday, he said, “I really wish I never had to do another one of these events, but that’s not possible, so as long as I’m alive I’m going to do what I can to help.” Like I said, a good man.
Okay, let’s get on with the funny stuff, shall we? The first two selections (‘Bubba’ and ‘NASACR’) are from Cookie. The third one (‘Penguin’) is from PoliceOne Member Ryan McNeil out of Medicine Lodge (Kan.) Police Department. McNeil writes, “I’m big enough to laugh at myself. Well, most of the time anyway.”
Bubba and the Big City Detectives
Two detectives from a large northeastern city came to Alabama to hunt for a gun that was used in some crime back home.
They had information it was in one of those clear cuts through the woods where they run power lines.
These two big city detectives had been trying to impress us as to how ruff and tuff they were, being from the big city and a real police department. Now I know here in Alabama we may talk a little slow, but that don’t mean we think slow.
We were walking along the clear cut and we came across one of those phone junction boxes, it looked like it was blown apart with a stick of dynamite. I told my partner, you know what did that. My partner says “Yeah an ole bushhawg.”
Then those two bad big city detectives eyes got big and they moved behind me and my partner kinda scared, looking all around and said:
“You don’t think that thing is coming back, do you?”
I laughed so hard I almost hyperventilated!
Now knowing police like I do, I know by the time they got back home they had done embellished the story so, that they had a good description of that hog.
They were telling all their buddies about the day they faced down a nine-foot-tall, tush-wearing, slobber dripping, Alabama Bushhog!
I always loved getting into high-speed chases, but nobody else liked me doing it cause I had a ritual. When it started I would get on the radio and say:
“Boogty, boogty, boogty and they’re off!”
Then when the chase ended I’d climb out through the window of the police car and shake and spray a coke on everybody.
Then I’d get on the radio and say, “Well, the BPD Smith & Wesson Model 39 Remington 12-gage Ford ran real good today. I just want to give a shout out to the boys back at the city garage; they sure gave us a good car today.”
I hated when the fleeing car would wreck before I could get up there and put the PIT maneuver on him. Almost every season I could have used those bonus points to put us in the Championship chase for sure!
That reminds me. I was doing PIT maneuvers way before it became a common thing. I would accelerate up alongside a fleeing suspect and put my right front fender into the suspect.
I just never thought of doing it to someone driving a car!
It all started one day when I was teaching a younger law enforcement professional how to be a cop. While I was passing along some hard-earned pearls of wisdom to my young Jedi apprentice, what do I see? Parked in the courthouse parking lot is none other than the vehicle I was involved in one of the world’s scariest police chases with! Suddenly my finely-honed cop’s sixth sense began tingling like Spiderman’s “spidey-sense” and I had my young apprentice check the court docket.
We learned that one of our colorful locals was in court and had most likely driven to court despite having his license suspended by the State for some unfortunate traffic transgression. Of course, now I have to set up a surveillance of the vehicle so that we can ensure no other traffic laws are broken on our watch. Unfortunately, our friend must have had his “evil criminal sixth sense” on, and decided to walk home and leave the car parked there. Normally, that would be the end of the story...But not today.
A short time later, another of our colorful locals shows up and gets into the vehicle. Well, this must have been my lucky day, as this guy was actually the driver from the chase I mentioned earlier.
My young student and I get into a squad car and try to pull over the vehicle, at which time the driver decides that he is not going to stop for us. Well the chase is on! Around the scenic countryside we go! We go up roads, we go down roads, we go over bumps, and we go through dust clouds! Along the way we pick up some more friends for the ride and continue to pursue our quarry like the hounds chasing a fox. Eventually we get this guy stopped after a slight collision between several vehicles — all that loose gravel and dirt on those county roads makes braking tricky sometimes doesn’t it?
Well, it’s not quite over yet as our miscreant decides that he needs a little exercise and takes off running down the road. Of course, I must give chase and off I go. I do a slide over the bad guy’s hood just like T.J. Hooker (a classic TV show cop for you younger readers), and take off running after my new found running buddy. Unfortunately, I hit something on the road and fall onto my face, but continue to slide down the road in what was later described as looking like a penguin sliding down an ice flow into the water.
From that point on, I was known as the Penguin.
But don’t worry my friends, the bad guy was caught and slapped on the wrists for his misdeeds.
Talk to you all later. And stay safe out there.
Shit C0PS Say
Okay, my friends. I hope you all got a good laugh (or two!) in a secure, safe place because as I think my friend Cookie would agree — laughter is intensely effective medicine to counteract even the worst possible feelings in the world. I’ll continue to periodically post new humor content in the secure, LEOs-only section of the website. These humor pieces are scheduled to appear on the first Wednesday of every month in 2012, so check back for new stuff.
Meanwhile, I want to enlist your assistance. My friend and partner here on PoliceOne (who you will come to know and love in coming months I’m sure) is Hayley Hudson. A couple weeks ago, Hayley sent around an email about an idea that had been brewing here at the PoliceOne office. The email also went to a couple of P1 Members she’s befriended in the past six months or so.
From: Hayley Hudson
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 5:05 PM
To: REDACTED; Doug Wyllie; REDACTED
Subject: Help with "Sh** Cops Say"?
Hope you’re well.
Are you guys familiar with “Shit girls say”? (Doug – I know you’ve seen it, or at least seen the Twitter account.) Here’s the video:
I’m pretty sure there was more to that email, but to be honest I stopped reading after watching that video. Besides the fact that I was laughing too hard to read, I knew immediately knew what Hayley was looking for.
“These cuffs aren’t too tight, are they?”
“We put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’.”
As always, if you hear a good one or have a funny story to share from your shift, send me an email — we’re all perfectly willing to have a belly laugh at your expense!
- Bizarre Beat