New beer can indicates how close you are to committing a crime

Already, law enforcement experts are applauding this creative new implementation of “predictive policing” technology

Capitalizing on the popularity of their cold-activated beer can, a major U.S. brewing company has announced the introduction of a new “Crime Indicator” that will notify consumers of how close they are to committing a crime while they are in the act of drinking.

Already, law enforcement experts are applauding this creative new implementation of “predictive policing” technology.

“It was a stroke of genius on our part to roll out the cold can. How else would you be able to tell your beverage is chilled? With this new product, we’re aiming even higher,” said a company spokesperson. 

The can’s iconic image of the Rocky Mountains will now turn blood red as consumers edge closer to adding an incident to their rap sheet. 

“I think it’s great,” said Randall Smith of Mobile, Alabama. “I did some time back in ’89. Blacked out and came to riding my moped down Route 67 in my Batman underwear with five cruisers behind me. Would that have happened if I had the can? Who knows, man, but I love the technology!”

Police Officer Colin King is excited for the product rollout as well. “Anything that will help people think twice before tackling a Christmas tree in the lobby of a Marriott is a win in my book. Let them ride the Rockies without riding the lightning.”

The company will be testing out some targeted advertising campaigns to accompany the product launch. 

“Passing out naked in a Taco Bell drive-thru? Ruining your company’s holiday party? Making your grandmother cry during Thanksgiving dinner? All in the past with the red can. We can’t wait to roll out this product,” said the company spokesperson.  

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